Thank you Kit for photographing the memories.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
6 Months
Today marks the day Cooper would have been 6 months old. I'm constantly trying to picture what he may have looked like today if he were still here. At 6 months old, babies are moving, talking, laughing, and starting to experience solid foods for the first time. These are all things Cooper never got to do. At this point in my grief, I'm beginning to feel less angry, but that anger has been replaced with sadness. Sadness for all of the missed milestones, the first words, the first steps. I feel robbed of the opportunity to watch my son grow.I will never get to chase him around the mall or grocery store, and I will never get to wave goodbye to Cooper on his first day of school. I could go on and on about the things I don't get to do with my son, it's something that tortures me daily.
Today Chris and I looked inside the dresser full of Cooper's things for the first time. We both sobbed into our favorite onesies as we went through and found the outfits that really meant something to us. As sad as it was, it felt really good to focus on acknowledging Cooper for a few minutes. I find it incredibly liberating to just be in the moment with him. The saddest part about looking at Cooper's clothes is that there are so many things he never got the chance to even wear, outfits he was about to grow into. It feels so strange to keep everything, but I'm grateful I didn't make any drastic decisions in the aftermath of his death.
While we were going through Cooper's things I came across the shirt he was wearing that day. It's a brown and blue striped onesie that Chris always thought was girly, he hated that I ever put it his son. The paramedics cut it down the middle like they always do to people, but there is something about seeing it done to someone so small that makes me sick. If I had know that day were to be his last, I would have picked a better outfit.
Today Chris and I looked inside the dresser full of Cooper's things for the first time. We both sobbed into our favorite onesies as we went through and found the outfits that really meant something to us. As sad as it was, it felt really good to focus on acknowledging Cooper for a few minutes. I find it incredibly liberating to just be in the moment with him. The saddest part about looking at Cooper's clothes is that there are so many things he never got the chance to even wear, outfits he was about to grow into. It feels so strange to keep everything, but I'm grateful I didn't make any drastic decisions in the aftermath of his death.
While we were going through Cooper's things I came across the shirt he was wearing that day. It's a brown and blue striped onesie that Chris always thought was girly, he hated that I ever put it his son. The paramedics cut it down the middle like they always do to people, but there is something about seeing it done to someone so small that makes me sick. If I had know that day were to be his last, I would have picked a better outfit.
Friday, April 2, 2010
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